king of the lanes?

i'm exhausted today thanks to a jam packed weekend. i spent my afternoon friday figuring out a pattern for some pillows i'm hoping to start making. i've found that when i get something in my head, i get to a point of obsession and i have to do something about it. most of the time i'm too lazy, but friday i managed to get everything knocked out. i also managed to fit in a quick run before the sun went down (read: it wasn't 5 billion degrees with 203% humidity).

saturday we got up early and headed to gainesville for the medal of honor parade. i wasn't really looking forward to it, but i've got to say that the combination of flyovers, shriners in go carts and getting to see a pearl harbor survivor was pretty exciting. i found myself tearing up at the sight of the recipients that were awarded the medal.

alex and i swung by his grandparents' house for lunch and then i headed for an afternoon with my parents while he went fishing with his. it was a typical gainesville day: trip to the outlet mall, wandering around tom thumb, stop by taco casa on the way out of town. plus mom taught me how to make french knots and we enjoyed some delicious coconut buttermilk pie. heaven.

from gainesville, alex headed to dallas for a friend's birthday party at a piano bar, while i met up with some old friends for drinks and bowling. seriously one of the best nights i've had in i don't know how long. as we know, i like to live in the past, relying on old inside jokes and songs from the mid-90s to get me through my day. it all came together that night. i was with two of my close friends from middle school (one the birthday boy and the other my date for the evening/future husband) that are still as awesome now as they were then. we spent the evening laughing at the same jokes we've had since 1997 and singing songs that were popular in 1997. it was incredible. extra bonus was not having to pay for a single bit of it (thanks future husband!).

another great bonus was finally figuring out how i knew the guy in the lane next to us. he's one of our favorite waiters at a mexican restaurant in town. yes, we go there enough that we both recognize each other a few beers in at a bowling alley. no, i still haven't gone to a restaurant since lent began (two more weeks!). yes, it's still killing me.

all in all, a great night out with my friends. i got to boss people around like the old days and dance to it's tricky (twice), tootsie roll, and sexyback. i got to use my bowling ball again without severe back pain (though my shoes were so slick i slid around a little too much and nearly injured myself). AND because we were bowling by time rather than game, i won the 2nd game thanks to my 4th frame score. winner!

sunday we made it to church despite the 3 1/2 hours of sleep we were running on. alex dropped me off at mom's house while he headed off to paintball. i stuffed myself full of mac and cheese, potato salad and beans. not to mention more buttermilk pie (so much better the 2nd day). i sat around for a while letting my stomach deflate and then changed into my running gear.

dad and i drove the route he ran the day we got married. he has big plans to start running it on my anniversary every year. the thought hasn't entered his mind that i may not want to run 7 miles on my anniversary, but that's fine. i might be able to talk him into doing it the day before or something. anyway, we parked at the college and ran out west of town towards lindsay. i used my garmin while dad relied on the distance he'd clocked on the car. obviously mine was a little more accurate, so i got to run about two tenths extra to hit the three that dad thought we'd run (i know, it's annoying that i can't just stop, but i like even numbers). and then i figured i might as well get in another tenth so it'd be a 5k. dad didn't care, i think he was glad to have some more cool down time.

we got back to the house and enjoyed some celebratory beers. which i then followed with some chips and salsa. mom got done with her sewing and wanted to drink some more, so we sat on the deck and talked about how awful the kids at her school are and how stupid the parents are. dad joined us and then alex came over. which meant more food. then we headed back home and crashed. sweet sweet sleep.

so overall a great weekend, highlighted by saturday night's festivities. the only downfall was the 2 pounds i gained. i'd made it a new goal to just focus on 5 pounds at a time so i can celebrate my small results. last week i knocked out 3 pounds. plus the two this weekend, i still have 4 more to go. which means baked spaghetti and more running this week. and since our social calendar is full (including poker at our house- chips and dips and delights), it'll be a struggle. i'm hoping i can just burn a lot of calories getting the house ready to go.

my baby

there's a new baby at my house. not a human one. not a new puppy (gandalf would disown me).

it lives in the backyard. it's about 1/2 an inch tall. i made it myself.

welcome to my house, baby bell pepper. you're precious.

how my garden grows

a few weeks ago i began my quest to grow a garden. i tend to forget about things sometimes, specifically plants and their need for care, so my goal seemed somewhat unattainable. whatever the case, i love vegetables, and not having to go the store, and i hate paying for produce. so i figured i might as well try to grow some veggies since the cost of the plants would be easily justified when our grocery bill came.

i read on pioneer woman that she had raised flower beds. they seemed cute and easy and would keep the dogs from ruining everything (really the most important thing). i convinced alex that this was a good idea and that if he really loved me he'd build me a raised bed for the garden i would kill. he said he loved me enough for that. he loved me so much that he talked me into continuing with the garden even after i realized how much more expensive it would be when i saw the cost of the wood. and screws. and dirt. whatever the case, we got the bed built and leveled. being the resourceful people we are, we used a box to fill in the gaps around the edge of the bed.
uzi was pumped that we made her a new place to sit in the sunshine.

i ran to the landscaping place and filled the back of my car up with 5000 pounds of dirt (or nine 30lb bags) and hauled them into the backyard.

we figured that we needed some sort of barrier to keep the grass and weeds from growing through. i had read somewhere that newsprint would serve as a barrier and still decompose on it's own, so we went with that. lucky for me i had a trash bag full of newsprint from when i moved 5 years ago. i knew there was a reason to keep it (thanks, dad, for teaching me to never throw anything away).

i didn't really have a real plan other than covering up the grass. it was pretty windy that day, so i just did a little at a time.

gandalf thought this was about time to get up from his nap and see how i was messing up his yard.

i guess he approved. he moved back to the porch and continued to pant for a few more hours. i know he needs a haircut. it'll happen eventually.

so i kept up the same process. a little more newsprint, another bag of dirt. i managed to get through the rest of the bags and then used my handy dandy garden rake to even things out.

i made another trip to lowes for some plants. i didn't buy any that morning because i somehow thought it was going to take a lot longer to get to this point. i picked out two different kinds of tomatoes, two green bell peppers, a jalepeno, a sweet basil, yellow squash, and zucchini. they were out of cilantro (jerkstores). plus i got a garden tool set for 5 bucks! the shovel alone was $4, so i was sold.

i did a little research on the better homes and gardens website to see how to space things out and what to put where. i knew that the squashes would get pretty big and the tomatoes would get high, so i put those on each end. i thought the herbs would do well closer to the house so i could just grab it when i needed it (rather than walk ALL the way around to the other side of the bed). then i got to digging.

i saw no need to read the directions on how deep to plant things.

i saw later that the tomatoes were supposed to be buried fairly deep. i didn't do this. a few days later when i did read this, i just piled up some more dirt. we'll see how fast they die.

i also read later that you're supposed to water the dirt and let it settle before planting. i didn't do this either. i just planted and watered and watered and watered. lucky for me i have a natural water source nearby.

would anyone like to give me $10000 so i can fix the pool? anyone?

i went back to lowes a few days later and got two bunches of cilantro i was needing. then i went to home depot for a red bell pepper plant, another zucchini to replace the sad one i started with, and a fence thing to keep the dogs from running through the garden on their way to their corner to bark. then i went back to lowes for two tomato cages. then i quit spending money for the stupid garden.

i've been watering every other day or so, just checking to see how moist the soil has been. if it looks pretty dry i give it a good soak at the bottom of the plant and in between them. today it started raining for the first time in ages, so i think i'll get a couple days off. so far so good, though. the tomatoes looked a little sad to begin with, but have perked up.

i can't wait for homegrown salsa in a few months.

rock 'n roll

yesterday i did something i never would have even though possible a year ago, or even 6 months ago. i completed my first half marathon.

i was really gearing up for it, and while it felt like a big goal, i felt it was completely do-able. then my ankle went out on me. it wasn't twisted or sprained, but felt almost arthritic. it would ache from sitting at my desk at work. i could walk just fine, but my attempts at running were beyond dismal. i scaled back quite a bit and tried to take it easy. some days i could run a 5k at blazing (for me) speeds and feel great. the next day 10 minutes on the elliptical nearly killed me. an hour on the elliptical one day, struggling to get through a mile the next day. so i gave up. i decided i wouldn't run anymore until the race. i think i had about 10 miles logged for all of march leading up to the race. sad.

so as i got closer to race day, i felt myself more nervous than i had in a really long time. i had mild panic attacks just thinking about the entire process surrounding the race. i wasn't excited about going to dallas and dealing with the people and traffic. i wasn't excited about deciding what clothes to wear and what to bring. i wasn't excited about my diet and what i should or shouldn't eat. i wasn't excited about the race itself. i didn't want to stop. i knew that there was a good chance i'd have to walk with my ankle like it was. and while i know in my head that this isn't the case, i felt that if i stopped at all i wouldn't consider myself a finisher. i wanted to run it.

i took off work early on friday to head to the expo by myself so i could see frank shorter's interview. he's a legend and i couldn't pass up an opportunity to listen to him. he gave a great talk and looked at me a lot (granted, there were only about 15 of us that came to listen). plus he signed my race bib, which made the race even more special to me.

i took it easy (like i had the last few weeks) over the weekend. i enjoyed my friend joy's baby shower on saturday morning. i spent the rest of the day trying to relax and fill my stomach with carbs. i was actually grateful to wake up with an allergy attack so i'd have a reason to take some benedryl to help knock me out.

i woke up race morning full of nerves. and exhausted. and chilly. the temperature dropped into the 40s overnight, which gave me a lot of relief. i was excited to wear my running tights and not have to worry about dealing with my shorts riding up during the run. i shoved a peanut butter and honey sandwich in my mouth and fought alex out of bed. i tried to calm down while i waited for mom and dad to pick us up.

when we made it to dallas, we realized that the route we were planning to take was all closed off. the only directions to the drop off point were from 75, and we were coming from everywhere else. we eventually decided to just go to the convention center where the expo was. a few people were dropped off there, so we just got out of the car and followed along. luckily we were close to the right place since we didn't have money or a phone. also lucky we came in where we did to avoid the long port-a-potty lines and a chance to see the start line. we made our way about 5000 miles to our corral. no one had entered the lines yet, so we just found a place to try stay warm before the race.

eventually things got going and we made our picks of who we wanted to beat. dad wanted to beat a guy next to him in his 50s that was also racing with his daughter. i had my eyes set on a pair of cute girls that danced through the entire pre-race soundtrack. they looked the part of a runner and were fun. i would take them down given the chance.

the starting gun was fired (by troy aikman, who also ran) and we waited another 30 minutes or so to make our way to the start line. we moved to the right side to wave to frank shorter, my new bff, and took off. the first few steps were fine. my ankle was holding and i didn't feel like death. the next few steps felt good too. i was doing it.

we wound our way around downtown. we yelled into the echos as we ran under the i-35, inspired by the "whoo-whoop" woman that kept us entertained the entire course. we passed the grassy knoll and the old red courthouse. i put my ipod on pause while we listened to the bands singing around us (and watched whoo-whoop kiss and hug the singers when she ran by).

eventually we moved into the residential neighborhoods along turtle creek and lakeside. we had a chance to see dallas in a slow pace where we could enjoy the scenery without worrying about the cars around us. we crossed over central expressway on mockingbird as we crossed the halfway point. i felt great.

at mile 8 i was about to say that i think i could run a marathon, dad stated that he was glad we weren't running one. my new goal was to make it to the gu station. what a wonderful time that was. i love vanilla gu. gu meant we were closer to 10. and 10 meant we only had a 5k left to run. we turned onto swiss ave and enjoyed a few more beautiful homes to distract us from the pain.

as we passed mile 11 i celebrated my new longest distance to run while dad started to fade. he was really feeling it in his legs and his breathing got really heavy as a result. i told him we were almost done and he just had a couple more to go. at mile 12 he was ready to quit. i told him that it was just a mile, like running to my sister's house and back. with half a mile to go, he was really ready to quit. i showed him fair park. i tried to entertain him with the people and distract him from the drizzle that had begun. i told him we were almost to the beer. we entered fair park. the change of surface was tough, but we were there. he said he couldn't make it. i told he wasn't going to stop, we had a tenth of a mile left. i showed him the ut pep band (who were playing a recording of "the eyes of texas" as they sat on the steps shivering). nothing. then he saw mom and alex with their cameras. the smile turned on.

we pushed through to the end and started looking for the medals. we finished. without stopping (minus the pauses to down our water). i did it. i ran a half marathon. faster my corral time (though not as fast as i think i could) in 2:41:01. plus i beat the cute dancing girls.

we took our new shiny medals to get our picture taken and headed to the food. dad was nice enough to squirt some of the freezing water on my now freezing back. the mound of bananas had definitely gotten smaller, but was still a giant mound of bananas. we grabbed a snickers marathon bar and found our way outside of the holding section. i saw mom and alex standing near the "d" like we'd decided. i galloped over to them with what range of motion i had left and we looked for the beer. i never thought i'd enjoy an mgd 64 so much.

i asked to please stay moving to i wouldn't lock up. that didn't really happen. we wandered over to the stage to check out bret michaels. mom was thrilled. dad kept wanting to move closer. i was just excited to hear "talk dirty to me." lucky for me he opened with it, so i was done within the first 5 minutes. we stayed for a couple more songs and decided to get food when he started the theme song for rock of love.

chuys was delicious as always. i didn't care that we had to wait 45 minutes. i didn't care that my order somehow wasn't turned in so i had to wait for my plate. it was chuys and it tasted great. especially good considering i was still in lent mode and had given up restaurants (yesterday didn't count cause it was sunday).

chuys was the perfect end to the race. i smiled throughout the race and smiled all through lunch and most of the day. i had such a great time. i felt amazing throughout the race (minus the pain that will always be there). i loved knowing that i was doing what i set out for and did something most people can't or won't do. i want another one now. i need to be closer to 2:30. then maybe i'll think about a full. for now i'll just enjoy my medal until the smile falls off my face.

ash wednesday

as the lenten season begins today, i am overwhelmed with a mix of quiet thoughtfulness and loving memories. it is the day to begin a journey to the cross and resurrection, a path that slowly and intentionally leads through the desert of reflection, confession, and repentance. growing up as a baptist, i of course never participated in lent, as it was one of those crazy catholic practices. i did like that it meant that vegetarian choices were suddenly offered at restaurants, which was awesome. lent meant 40 days of feasting to me, all leading to easter dresses and candy. what a way to celebrate spring.

when i moved to austin and became involved in mosaic, i was introduced to numerous rituals and practices that once seemed foreign to me. as we did them, i felt like i was joining in with centuries of traditions. i loved knowing that people from all over the world for years and years and years had been doing the exact same thing i was doing. i do believe that there is also something that's amazing about having a unique experience with god. doing something because that's the way it's always been done isn't always the right thing to do. i felt like mosaic was a great blend of tradition and an authentic worship that was perfect for austin and perfect for me.

i was lucky enough to participate in the planning of several lenten services and activities and loved learning about some of the history of lent. we struggled with the balance of leading the liturgy through the season without manipulating the experience. in the end we remembered that we were part of mosaic, and that things would never go as we planned them. it was humbling.

the first good friday service was incredible. my parents and sister were in town, their first time to come to a mosaic liturgy. we sang songs together, don talked about the horror of the crucifixion, we spent time in prayer and silence and grief. the night ended in a blacked out room to symbolize the darkness after the cross. as we left, my family talked about how thought provoking the service was and how much they enjoyed my new church family. i was relieved.

for the easter service, we began in the same blacked out room we left on friday. we sang songs in mourning of christ. the song turned from "were you there when they crucified our lord?" to "were you there when he rose up from the grave?" we moved into the time to celebrate the resurrection and lit candles and removed the covers from the windows to symbolize christ's light. everyone was happy again. we sang and clapped (that's right, a room full of hipsters clapped at church. it was a big deal).

then i looked up and saw that a flame was a little big on one of the candles. then i realized that it was pretty big and growing. i leaned over to my friend doug and whispered, "the table is on fire." i turned around to see if anyone else noticed, unsure of what to do next. doug looked at the table, then behind, and leaned over and whispered, "joe's got it." joe, the only real grown up there, was running towards the front of the room, tearing his shirt off in the process. seth (of sad accordion fame and music pastor), who was leading the song, opened his eyes, saw joe running towards him topless, and just closed his eyes and kept singing. joe extinguished the flames and then took his seat. we continued on as if nothing happened.

as the night progressed, we experienced easter in true mosaic fashion. fires, videos not working, sound not working, confusion, references to magnolia and the matrix... typical mosaic. it was perfect.

the next 3 lenten seasons were incredible. the blunders seemed to be a little less eventful. the services were even more thought provoking and powerful as the years continued. easter in denton never seems quite as celebratory now that we don't go through the period of mourning prior to that sunday. i miss the time with mosaic and wonder how things are now that they've grown and and become a little more established.

since leaving austin, i've still tried to observe lent as much as possible and keep it sacred to me. this year my goal is to try to be connected with it as a little more than in years past. mosaic's reading through john, so i'm following their plan. i'm really excited to see what sticks out to me this year and how i'll interpret my readings. i'm hoping this time will allow me to refocus my life. i tend to use lent as a time to begin resolutions rather than at new years. it holds me accountable but also allows me to remember why i'm making the sacrifice and help me stay focused on the big picture.

"god's grace upon you, upon our community, and upon the church worldwide as we enter into this sacred season."
-mosaic

austin city limits

what a great weekend. after a lazy friday filled with pizza and ice cream (don't judge me), we woke up saturday unusually early. like earlier than i normally wake up during the week. ugh. so it seemed like the perfect time to get a run in and enjoy a nice breakfast before we headed to austin. instead i chose to stay in bed, snuggle with the puppies, and eventually get my stuff ready to go. and no, i didn't eat the healthy stuff at home before leaving. we went to taco bueno. worth it? yes it was. their black bean burritos are just nothing short of delicious. so we took off around 1 for the big city. i packed my bag of toys- two books (one i'd already packed and one brand new one my mother-in-law got me an hour before we left), a magazine, and 100 skeins of yarn for a hat. i was excited and fearful that car sickness would prevent all of these things from being accomplished. then alex informed me that i would be driving. so my toys went in the back. the good news was that my ipod got to move to the front. we made the trek down south- me singing along while alex drifted in and out of sleep. we checked into our swanky hotel. i'm sure you've heard of it. the super 8? that's right. the doors are outside, so you don't even have to worry about finding your way through the inside of the hotel. weird smell in the bathroom? why yes, it had that. cards that don't really unlock the door? that's right. we remembered that we were only going to sleep here, and dropped off the stuff and headed out. we picked up my friend claire that i used to work with. she's a freshman at ut and i am attempting to live my life through her. she reminded me which dorm she lived in and offered to give me directions. ha! like i needed directions around that campus. i lived there, after all. we headed down mlk and i was ready to turn right onto speedway in front of jester. but then i saw there wasn't a street there. the blanton art museum was there. no problem. i went a few more streets and turned onto university. see, i knew what i was doing. i'll just park in a 15 minute spot while we wait for claire. what's that? you need a university permit to do that? i don't have one because i haven't lived on campus in 8 years? that's right. so we drove around awhile. that was our plan all along. so we finally met up with claire and hit a few hot spots on south congress. yes, i did drive past my old apartment on the way to remember the old days when things were normal and there weren't new buildings everywhere to confuse me. allen boots was still divine, even if they didn't have the perfect pair that i never knew i wanted and would never have found if i hadn't gone in. uncommon objects was still a meca of treasures. if anyone wants to give me $495 for a blue lamp, that'd be great. or even just the $85 for the smaller one, i'd take it. just think about it for a while and get back to me. we drove on to mr. natural's. oh how i have longed for mr. natural's. strangely i think this was my first time to eat there at night. they close at 8 and aren't open on sundays, so i usually hit it up for the lunch special. i was really nervous about how to even order. lucky for me, they have the dinner special, which is the same as the lunch special. whew, that was a close one. spinach salad with avocado dressing. ridiculous rice and beans. and two tofu sunflower tamales. yes, they sound disgusting. yes, they're pure heaven on a plate. i could have eaten 13 of them. i stopped at 2. and somehow found room in my ever growing belly for some german chocolate cake. perfect. from there we headed downtown. yes, i tried to turn left into a non-existent street. yes, i used to go there every week and should have known that the street doesn't exist there. yes, i was having a lot of trouble. we parked a few blocks away and walked in the near freezing weather to mohawk. nobody told us it would be that cold at night. and no, we didn't check the weather before we left. so we waited outside for about 15 minutes for someone to let us in. we found warmth for a moment while we helped joy and nathaniel load their equipment. then we had to stand outside again. but we got in (i got in for free- thanks ben!) and found a spot to hang out. i had a great time. i got to see a few of my friends and catch up. claire and alex, on the other hand, got to sit there while i hung out with friends. they were good sports, though. and the music more than made up for their time. i got a wonderful new sad accordions hoodie. plus i of course got the new ep (and a debut cd for claire). it was a really great show. fun to see old friends and a few old faces (that i wish were friends). really great music. sacrificial chumpsucker diatribe and inside out are my faves. also big congrats to ben for his song fallen czars and some amazing cover art. it's been a joy to watch this band transform over the last several years. they're really talented and i'm so proud to call them my friends. we left not too long after they finished up (i was thrilled to see everyone but hated making alex and claire sit through my fun time). we dropped claire off and headed back to the hotel to sleep. i'm not used to staying up past 10 anymore. the next morning we abandoned our plan to run town lake thanks to the 40 degree weather and wind. we did something new for both of us and drove around to the west side of town in search of mt. bonnell. after making the mistake of listening to alex's suggestion to "turn this way" when he has even less clue about where he is than normal, we got lost. normally not a big deal, but i was up really high in the winding hills around austin. i don't do well those conditions. my palms were sweaty. my heart was racing. i couldn't have been more happy to see the lake at lake level. we figured out where we were and found out where to go. totally worth it. breathtaking views of north austin's gorgeous homes in the hills surrounding the lake. beautiful views of the city itself. not so beautiful pictures, but whatever. we timed our drive perfectly and wound up at shady grove just as they opened. at this point the sun was shining and we enjoyed a fantastic meal outside as we watched families walk past on their way to the kite festival. it was the perfect day in austin. no, we didn't enjoy town lake's fabulous trails, but we got to see parts of the city in ways we never had before. and we got to enjoy a beautiful day with a delicious meal in a city i love (not to mention the great music from the night before and at lunch) . couldn't get much better than that. we left happy, our bellies filled with nachos (i know, they seem like they'd be boring but they're so stinking good), green chile burritos, and peach cobbler. mmmm..... peach cobbler. we hit the road (zune on- alex was driving) and headed home. i managed to get a whole chapter read in my book. and that was it. not very productive. made a quick trip to the czech stop. they were crazy. lines around the store for kolaches. we stuck to their packaged goods to save an hour. we made it home and suffocated the puppies in hugs. i always miss them way too much. spent the afternoon actually being productive in the yard. alex hacked away at some overgrown trees while i clipped at the vines and thorns. he accomplished a lot more than i did. after a quick dinner of black bean soup and leftover cake i passed out at 9. perfect end to a wonderful weekend.

a lesson in freedom

i headed home after work yesterday to try to enjoy a pretty day with a run. i didn't feel like running, but knew i'd regret not stepping out in the 60 degree sunshine with a light breeze and really regret it after the mexican food i plan on eating tonight. i remembered during the day that ALL of my workout stuff was in the dirty clothes since my run on sunday. surprisingly i did not remember to knock it out after my shower like my original plan. i checked in with alex and begged him to please please pretty please wash my clothes during your lunch. he did, but didn't have time to actually get them in the dryer. knowing that the hour of drying time would cut into my run pretty significantly, i mentally gave up.

lucky for me, on the way home i remembered a tattered old sports bra that would work in a pinch and pulled it out for the run. i took off, enjoying the breeze and the sunshine. i felt great, not runner's high great, but much better than i've felt in awhile. as i started to cross the first street, i looked down to see how things were going and saw that i didn't start my garmin. several expletives left my mouth. i knew that i'd gone about 1.2 miles at this point, so i could just tack on another mile to whatever the rest of the run was, and be fine. there would be no exact mileage/time/calorie count, which is beyond frustrating for me, but it's beautiful.

so i kept going, i made a couple laps around the school, still feeling good. 2 1/2 sides have a long hill and i was able to push up the hills without exhausting myself. still felt good, glad to be running. i rounded the corner and saw a woman running with her dog. she was jogging at a decent pace. she didn't look like she was pushing herself, but a random person on the street would consider her a runner, not just a part time jogger. i made it my goal to keep up with her. it was easy. my confidence boosted as i realized that if she looks like a runner, and i'm doing the same thing, then i have to. i loved my run.

i was halfway through my last lap. i was heading up the very last hill and saw a women pushing a stroller towards me on the sidewalk. normally, no big deal, we share the sidewalk, but that block has a lot of bushes on both sides. again, no big deal, i take off through the grass (next to the street, not on the regular part of the yard). as i pass the woman, i realize that i'm suddenly on the ground. someone booby trapped the yard to prevent runners, apparently. there was a giant hole covered in leaves about 8 or 9 inches in diameter. it wasn't even a dip in the ground, it was a full blown hole, surrounded by metal. the front half of my foot went in and i went down on both knees and hands.

i wasn't even embarrassed, just super confused. as i got up to see if i was alive, the woman just stood there. she didn't offer to help or even see if i was okay, she just looked at me with a weird smile. she didn't trip me, though that's how i felt at the time since i moved for her, but she really wasn't a jerk about things. i just wanted her to offer to help me up or see if i was okay. so i sort of dusted myself off and got the chunks of grass off my now green knees, and said, "well, i guess i'll walk home the rest of the way."

so i limped across the street, not really caring that cars had to wait for me. i hobbled for a few steps and then decided this was my beautiful running day. so i was going to run. i was about half a mile from the house, so i took off as fast as i could at a pace i thought i could sustain. i did pretty well, too, even if i slowed down quite a bit at the end. alex was in the driveway when i got back and wondered why i looked a little more frazzled than normal.

but i did it. and i had a good time. so what if i didn't know exactly how far i went? so what if i had no idea how long i was gone, or what my average and top pace were? so i didn't enter in my calories burned because i didn't know them? so i fell on my face on a public street where a new mother didn't take pity on me? i wouldn't take pity either. i wanted to run on a pretty day, so i did. and i enjoyed it. i wasn't wrapped up in the numbers, and that was okay. it helped me remember that running is fun. it's not just a time for me to burn calories, or punish myself for the extra piece of pizza i ate, or even just train for my half. it's about enjoying what's going on around me and running just to run.

so i did. and then i got to go to target, which makes life good. and then we grabbed chipotle, which was delicious as ever. we had a coupon for a buy one get one, which we forgot to use. didn't even care, it was worth it. plus now we get to go again this week before the coupon expires.

so i'm getting there. i'm a million times better about not letting things stress me out (especially since i changed jobs). and i'm working on looking at the big picture. in celebration of my new freedoms (or at least the process of getting there) i shall enjoy gloria's salsa and bean dip. and more importantly some good times with a friend. and even more exciting, i got to listen to the newly released sad accordion's ep. it's just as good as it comes. they make me so happy. i can't wait to see the show this weekend. until then, i shall run. but not today. today's a day to celebrate. tomorrow i will celebrate my ability to run.

mock risotto

pure heaven. creamy and completely satisfying without the calories.

1 med. onion, diced
8 oz. mushrooms, sliced
1/4 tsp. salt
2 c. instant brown rice
4 cloves garlic, choped
2 1/2 c. broth (i make with half a cube of vegetable boullion and water)
1 lb. asparagus, cut into 1/4 inch pieces
1 red bell pepper, finely diced
1 c. frozen peas, thawed
4 wedges laughing cow light creamy swiss cheese
1/2 c. reduced fat parmesan cheese

spray large skillet with non-stick spray over med-low heat. add onions, mushrooms, and salt and cook, stirring often, until soft and just beginning to brown, about 4-6 minutes. add rice and garlic and cook until the garlic is fragrant, 30 seconds to 1 minute. add broth and bring to a boil. cover, and reduce heat to a simmer and cook 5 minutes.

remove cover and spread asparagus and bell pepper on top of the simmering rice- do NOT stir into the rice mixture. replace cover and continue simmering, adjusting the heat if necessary, until the liquid is almost absorbed and the asparagus is bright but crisp, about 5 minutes.


add peas and cheese wedges; sti until the mixture is creamy and the cheese is incorporated. return to a simmer and continue cooking until the liquid has evaporated and the asparagus is tender, about 5 minutes more. stir in parmesan.

makes 6 servings

each serving contains:
205 calories
5 g fat
13 mg cholesterol
480 mg sodium
31 g carbs
3 g sugar
4 g fiber
10 g protein

working for the weekend

well the weekend was pretty fantastic. i wished alex off on his camping trip and sat down to enjoy my pizza. totino's party pizza, to be exact. i'm about as fancy as it comes. i enjoyed an evening of pizza and popcorn, knitting, and movies. not to mention plenty of snuggle time with the puppies. i was especially proud of gandalf for not going into moping mode, in which he stares at the door for hours, waiting for alex to come home. uzi, on the other hand, couldn't have been happier. the second alex left she ran in and jumped on his pillow for a nap. she knows when to get him back for his tail-pulling.

saturday i woke up unusually early for me- i didn't even go to bed at 9 like on a normal friday. i did my usual lounge/tv time, and held off on my run until alex got home/left again. they rode in around 11 and spent some time stretching their legs after their 30 mile bike ride from the lake. i made a mock risotto for lunch. pure deliciousness. and healthy. best of both worlds. not party pizza, but pretty good.

alex headed off for the monster truck rally. that's right. plus they had pit passes, so they got to enjoy grave digger up close. who's jealous? no one? oh. well apparently it was really fun and loud and awesome in every possibly way. we have the videos to prove it.

so while alex enjoyed his monster trucks, i headed off on my run. i was motivated, i was excited, and i was severely under hydrated. i realized this about a mile in. i ran around the university near my house. my friend joy was working at the birthing center across the street. i considered running in for some water, or at least some ice chips, but realized that if joy was there, that meant there was a birth. and while i assumed that the birth was not taking place immediately inside the door, it was occurring nearby. i also assumed the mother wouldn't appreciate me intruding on her because i was hot while she pushed another human out of her. so i kept running.

i managed to talk myself into shooting for 7. i originally wanted 8 or more, but the heat/humidity/lack of water kept me from it. as i rounded the corner across the street from the baseball park, i realized that with the games going on that day, there had to be water. i took some weird turns and paths around the fences as i spotted the water fountain. i was a few yards from the miracle that would rejuvenate me and push me back into my 8+ goal range. a guy had just made it to the fountain when i got there, giving me the perfect amount of time to arrive without missing a step. he pushed on the button. he pushed the button the smaller fountain. he looked sad. then i remembered that it's february. a couple weeks ago the wind chill was -9. they turn the water fountains off in february so they don't freeze. plus no one gets thirsty in february. who cares that it's texas and one week it's 5 degrees outside and the next it's 80. literally. so i sadly made my loop back to my house. i downed as much water as i could without drowning myself.

i got cleaned up and repeated the events of the previous night (minus the popcorn and pizza). alex got home not too long after i got in bed and at least filled me in that the rally was awesome. we went to church early the next morning for a relationship conference thing they had. it was fine. we only went to two sessions. the first one seemed like he spent half of the time in an introduction, and the rest was pretty broad. the second session was like the normal service him as a guest speaker. much better, much more to the point. helped me remember to look at the big picture. i'm really good at helping other people do that, but in my own life, every single event seems important or catastrophic.

we came home and took the puppies on a much needed walk. they had a blast. saw some dogs twice their size (4 times uzi) that they were pretty sure they could take. i dropped them off at home and headed out for a quick run, nothing fancy, just something to say i moved. alex brought me home some cheetos puffs as a reward for my efforts. so that, mixed with the donuts for breakfast, light lunch and more popcorn, seemed to be turning into a pretty healthy day...

i headed to work my retail job that night after hours. felt good that i didn't make an idiot of myself by setting the wrong table or taking forever. i got a lot done and we finished early. the girls were heading out to applebees for a drink to say goodbye to one of the managers. they peer pressured me into joining them for one drink. i'm happy to say i kept it to one drink. however, the appetizer i ordered was not shared among the table like we discussed. instead i ate all 900 calories of chips and salsa that they brought me. fail.

needless to say, i woke up to a couple extra pounds this morning. luckily, after my dehydrated long run, i shed a few extra pounds the day before. still on the decline. i'm meeting up with one of my friends tomorrow over mexican food, so the plan today is to get in as much running as i can. the good news is that it's going to be beautiful today so i think i can make the most of it. i'm praying for another day like last monday where i feel like i can run forever. the goal will be at least 5, hopefully closer to 7 or 8. i need to lose anything i can now before tomorrow's indulgences and this weekend's completely lack of control. as of a couple hours ago, the hotel is booked and the plans are made. let the countdown to austin begin.

berry burst

after a successful weight loss day on wednesday, the weight has tried to creep back up the last two days. i fit in a quick elliptical (or ovalizer, as seinfeld says) run wednesday night. i knew that my body probably needed a bit of a break after the long run, but i didn't want to take the day off completely. my foot began to feel like it was breaking in two towards the end, so i was glad that i kept it simple. i was also glad i at least did something after waking up to a pound gain.

yesterday i felt like things were off to a decent start. then i managed to hit 12 of the 17 lights on the way to work. who designed this town to allow a light to turn green and the next light to turn red seconds after? i shouldn't hit 3 lights in 3 blocks. frustrating would be an understatement. at this point i was late, so i had to park in the lot, not the street, which seemed like forever away. then i spilled coffee all over me. actually, it wasn't really over me, it was down my arm on the inside of my shirt (so no stains, but wet arm) and all over my bag (why i don't carry a real purse to work). but i got there on time and managed to let it go- definitely proving that my life is changing for the better.

then i remembered that we had a department meeting at work, which meant pastries. coffee cake and blueberry muffins, to be exact. completely worth it. and i felt like i had at least a little self control- i really really really wanted about 5 more muffins, plus a few of the other muffins as well. i had one muffin, one piece of coffee cake. could have been better, but easily could have done worse.

after a weird day at work filled with a roller coaster of drama, i left. the walk to the car felt like a workout in itself. the wind was blowing directly against me at about 30 miles an hour. my hamstrings were exhausted by the time i made it up the hill to my car. i got home and got changed into my "casual" clothes- meaning i put on even more comfortable tennis shoes than i wear to work and a rattier t-shirt than i wear to work.

alex and i headed to bass pro shops to find a collapsible fishing rod for his camping trip this weekend. after turning around several times (alex thought that because you see a place, you can make any turn to get there), we arrived at our destination. i couldn't be happier to be in a store filled with items i will never use and dead animals that never should have been killed in the first place (to keep a long rant short, i understand defending yourself or family if something is attacking you, but i don't see the point in setting up shop, feeding an animal to get it to come to you at a regular time, murdering it, stuffing it, and hanging it up like a prize. it's just heartless. end of rant.).

so we made it out of bass pro and back on the highway without a hitch this time. we went to bj's brewery for dinner. it's alex's new favorite place. he decided this after the last trip there, his first trip. he thinks a meatloaf sandwich is the best idea. i was just happy to enjoy my berry burst cider. pure heaven. after a delicious dinner of fish tacos, berry crumble, and berry cider, we headed home. i made it through one tv show before turning in. alex had to get his stuff together for camping and i didn't want to keep him, at least that's what i told myself.

i had another restful night's sleep, despite dreaming that i had to fill in at my old store. i walked into a nightmare situation. who opens all of the coin rolls up and lines up the coins? that's just way too many to count. i was annoyed when i woke up. then i remembered that i don't have to mess with that anymore and can just show up to work now. man, i love my job.

the only downfall to a delicious dinner- the pound weight gain happened again. i'm still below where i started the week, but not close to where i need to be. but the weekend is here. bring on the long runs and abnormally long hours of sleep. alex is camping tonight and off to meet gravedigger at the monster truck rally tomorrow, so i'll have the whole weekend to myself. looks like a lot of puppy snuggling and running. at least i hope that's the plan.

when the planets align

after eating a mere 1000 calories on monday, i woke up to the same weight i had the previous day yesterday. not cool. frustrated, but not beaten, i was careful to watch my calories throughout the day. normally i would work to sabotage my health through a binge diet of chips and anything cheesy. it's my favorite. and a lot of cake. just pure heaven.

so instead, i chose to eat sensibly: blueberry banana peach smoothie for breakfast, baked spaghetti for lunch (kroger changed their whole grain spaghetti- could not be more delicious), a quesadilla as a snack when i got home (don't judge me, i was starving and needed my cheese fix), and more baked spaghetti and strawberries for dessert. very filling, actually had some fruits and veggies in there, felt good about things. still low on the calorie side too- a little less than 1100 calories.

after a less-than-riveting day at work, i got home and mentally prepared for a run. i walked the tricky line of getting dressed without getting the puppies too excited. i didn't know how far i was planning on going and hate to see them get worked up thinking they get to go with me. i tried to play it cool and keep things calm. somehow it worked. i think it was the quesadilla giving me it's magical powers.

i took off, hoping to go at least 3, maybe 5. the sky was overly cloudy and i just knew that if i took off towards the park i'd get stuck in the rain. i decided to do some weird little loops around the baseball park in the neighborhood and just run until i felt done or the downpour started. the weather was absolutely perfect for a run. the sky was bright, but the sun wasn't out. it was about 65 degrees with a slight breeze, so i stayed cool but not cold. it was amazing. my legs felt much better than they did on sunday. my ankle hurt occasionally, but i wasn't having to hobble around.

around 3 1/2 or 4 miles in, i started towards home. i realized as i got closer that i'd end up around 5 1/2 by the time i hit my house. while my pace wasn't the best i've ever run, i didn't feel like i was going to die at any point. i just kept my pace as even as possible and didn't wear myself out by going out too quick. since i still felt okay, i made a turn and shot for 6 miles. as i got closer to 6, i figured i might as well make another loop. i quit at 8. i felt amazing.

i remember why i loved running. i hadn't felt that way in a while. i'm not sure if it was the weather (though that helped) or the quesadilla (just trying to justify having one every day) or the pearl jam on my ipod or if my body was just ready to go. i just loved finishing 8 miles and feeling like i could have run a few more miles. i liked quitting before i shut down. i knew if i had kept going i would have shut down or fallen down since it was getting pretty dark and the lights aren't quite as good as they should be.

i walked the 1/2 mile home to cool down and keep my legs from getting stiff. when i reached down to steal gandalf's bone away from uzi i nearly fell over. apparently burning off 987 calories can make you a little dizzy. i got cleaned up, took some aleve, and inhaled my baked spaghetti while i watched biggest loser. seems like i'm either stuffing my face with something awful or running my heart out when i watch it. i'm glad it was the latter this time.

leading the young, happening life that i do, i went to bed around 9:30. it never felt so good. i was out and dreaming and feeling strong. the best part was waking up to a 3.5 pound weight loss. i'm anticipating a gain today to even things out, but we'll see how everything goes when the time comes.

take me home country road

what i expected to be a long and exhausting weekend ended up being a ton of fun. friday went as planned: 5 mile run around the neighborhood, exploring the other university near me; sensible dinner of baked potato with black beans and salsa, spinach side salad, lots and lots of water; trip to sports authority and old navy (seemed really exciting until i realized that i got home with only a stick of body glide). i got to bed early, which was to be expected considering i was running on about 3 hours of sleep from thursday night. i really enjoy a good 7-10 each night, along with a few naps thrown in. so it was nice to hop into bed and get to dreaming.

saturday we woke up early to hit the road to breckenridge, texas. we took alex's two youngest cousins (middle c and little c) with us, who assumed that their older, obviously cooler relatives would provide such amazing entertainment and memories to last a lifetime. little did they know that we listen/sing along to music they don't know or care about and that the little talking we did was mostly in reference to people or things they don't know or care about. they played their own games and slept. apparently i'm already old enough that i'm out of the cool club.

3 hours later we arrived at aunt shirley's house for uncle buddy's 80th birthday. we spent the day catching up with the rest of the family and eating (i didn't do TOO bad, definitely could have done much much much worse- shirley enjoys butter). the older of alex's cousins (big c) brought his girlfriend along for the trip, which was exciting for me. after 8 or 9 months of dating i was glad to have someone new to hang out with to restore my sense of youth.

after lunch i invited the youngest cousin on a walk around their property. i told her it would be long, probably about 14 miles. her eyes bulged. she gulped. i told her we could maybe cut it short, but she assured me she was gonna tough it out. i love that my exaggerations can get past a 9 year old. we took off down the road, keeping our eyes peeled for mountain lions and coyotes. we made it to the river (maybe 2 or 3 miles away) where the rest of the family were shooting guns. we let them finish off the bullets and caught a ride back to the house. big c and his girlfriend headed to the pond to do some fishing, so we tagged along and hung out there for awhile.

for the ride home, the cousins were going to trade out cars to give everyone a little break. middle c and little c weren't having it, and wanted to head back with us. we knew were going to stop for dinner on the way back, so we assumed they would make the trade then. no go. real shame, though. i had saved my questions for the girlfriend for the ride home, but never got to take advantage. we made it home, exhausted.

the puppies were thrilled to see us, especially since we spent most of the weekend neglecting them. we snuggled for a bit and headed to bed. best night's sleep in a long long time. lots of dreams, very little waking up. delightful.

after church we whipped up a quick lunch (nothing too heavy since i'd gained back the 2 pounds i'd lost friday). i fell asleep on the couch for a couple of hours, also delightfully full of dreams. alex woke me up to tell me he was leaving to ride at the lake. i wished him luck, and quickly decided i should probably tag along, knowing i wouldn't get much accomplished left to myself in the neighborhood. we picked up one of his friends on the way for his first mountain biking experience. i tried to stretch as much as i could and headed out on my path. the first mile nearly killed me. it usually does. i normally just need some time to get warmed up. that wasn't the case yesterday. i made it through the first mile, limping along- ankle/shin area trying to slowly kill me. the 2nd mile was equally rough. my plan was to finish that loop, see how things go, and maybe finish off a 5k. things weren't better, but hadn't gotten worse, so i pushed through to the 5k mark. figured i might as well finish off that loop and maybe get to 5 miles. i somehow managed this. i limped most of the way, but got to a somewhat sprint at the end thanks to coldplay's "fix you." the guys weren't back yet, so i walked around some until i saw them. i felt defeated saying how much i sucked and that i only managed 5 in that hour (i'm not fast, but i'm usually not quite that slow). they laughed and said that they also nearly died and only biked 3. i felt like a winner again.

most people are out of the office this week for a conference, so i'm stuck by myself until thursday. we'll see if i can stay awake. today's plan: run if my ankle will let me and fix some baked spaghetti for dinner.

the beginning

after a two year weight loss/improved health journey, i'm almost back where i began. so not quite, but back to the point where i start hyperventilating and having fits because i've managed to slowly nudge myself back to the edge of overweight. at no point have i crossed the threshold into my dream state of what i consider my really healthy range. i lost about 25-30 lbs (depending on what day/week/month we're in) and feel great that i made any progress at all. i go pretty close to my goal range a few times, but always about 5-10 pounds short. the good thing is that my lifestyle is dramatically different and i feel that the things i have learned i will continue to put into practice.

i knew in the beginning that i wanted to make changes that would last, not necessarily something that i could knock out quickly. i began by running on the elliptical for about 10 minutes, nearly dying, and then rewarding myself for my hard work. soon i made it to the 20 minute range and eventually 30, then hour long stretch. i felt stronger, lighter (though definitely not light), and a tiny bit more comfortable in my skin.

after several weeks i decided that to really see a difference, i would need to tackle my diet. all i really wanted (and still want) was to eat chips, queso, enchiladas, cake, pasta, cookies, nachos, more chips, and ice cream without putting on a pound. turns out that doesn't get you very far but gets you very fat. who knew. so i decided i would never keep things up if i cut out all of my favorites forever. i just had to make a few tweaks here and there. or a lot of tweaks.

so i let lent kick things off. no cokes (or soda or pop or whatever you wanna call it). a bit of a challenge at first- oh how a ginormo mountain dew (fountain preferably) could get me a through a long day of retail. i found solace in sweet tea. so delicious. so refreshing. so full of just enough caffeine. so 450 calories?! you've got to be kidding me. so sweet tea left my life as quickly as it entered and i managed to make the switch to regular iced tea. 44oz. 9 calories. perfect.

next came the rest of my food. the great thing about my pasta was that it was low fat. the bad thing about my pasta was that it was high in portion size, calories, and white flour. not the way to get things done. i held back on portion sizes, added more veggies, and eventually started working in more whole grain pasta (not as tasty, but not missed the majority of the time. still can't quite love the pesto or plain chunky tomato sauce. it's a work in progress). my delicious (seriously, they're heaven) enchiladas would require more veggies as well. and less cheese. and less tortillas. and a smaller portion. i felt my spirit dying.

it's crazy, though. turns out exercise and a better diet meant you might lose some weight.
i became a bit obsessive about things. i started tracking my weight, food, and exercise on livestrong.com. i'm not much of a fan of lance armstrong (it was super annoying to live in austin when he was going for his 800th win of the tour de france), so i wasn't very excited about using his site, but it was easy to use and i loved the calorie information. so that's what i did. i worked out most days of the week. i ate less and chose better foods. after about 9 months i'd dropped close to 30 pounds and felt great. i was able to wear clothes i hadn't worn in 10 years (i knew there was a reason to keep them). i was able to do things i hadn't been able to do. while my self confidence was never skyrocketing, it had really improved.

then things sort of stopped. i didn't gain weight, which was great. but i completely plateaued. people talk on weight loss shows how everyone will go through that eventually. but it seems to normally last a few weeks at the most. not months. i was eating about 1400 calories a day, sometimes less. i worked out for 30 min to an hour 4-6 times a week. nothing. it was unbelievably frustrating.

then my elliptical broke. like i was running, i heard a clicking noise, and then both feet were on the floor. i just stood there, my heart breaking in disbelief. i switched to spinning and other cardio for a few weeks while we searched for a replacement. we got lucky and found another just like mine with 14 miles on it not too far away. so now i have some spare parts, which will be nice if the unthinkable happens.

i got back into the swing of things, but never quite like they had been. i kept my diet in check, but lacked some of the motivation in my workouts like i'd had. the only good thing was that i still managed to maintain my weight. i was in a range that i was comfortable with, even though it wasn't quite where i wanted it. it was close, and that was nice.
at the end of the summer i quit retail and got started at a university doing secretarial desk work. what a wonderful change. completely worth the pay cut. i worked normal hours, no weekends, not on my feet 8-10 hours a day. i wasn't stressed out anymore, i had no responsibility, nothing i had to take home to get finished. it was amazing.

some of the girls on staff had signed up to run the white rock marathon and half. i was really impressed. i had always wanted to become a runner, but jr. high track taught me that my shins and lungs didn't do as well as i'd like them to. elliptical was one thing, but pavement and heat and cold were not something i was interested in. the girls tried to encourage me to sign up for the half. they were crazy. it was 4 months away and i couldn't get through a mile if i tried.

so i tried. alex and i took the puppies for a walk one day around the park. i thought i'd just do some light jogging. just to see if i could make it half a mile. gandalf and i took off as slow as he'd let me go. i made it close to a mile. i didn't die. my shins and lungs were still in tact. i couldn't be more excited.

the next day at work i investigated the trail behind my house. a little over a mile from my mailbox. my new goal: get to the end of the trail without dying, walk back. i took off. i'm guessing about a 34 minute mile pace. made it to the end of the trail. didn't die. turned around. made it back to the house. didn't die. i just ran 2.4 miles! i felt reborn. the next day i did it again. the day after that i did 3. my dad was ecstatic. we signed up for a 5k. the next week i ran 5. i was on a roll. we signed up for a 10k. and another 10k.

my first race came. i didn't die. i didn't lose. i pulled out 4th in my age, top third of women, top half overall. i felt great considering how slow i am. the 10k proved to be about the same. 4th again. i felt like prefontaine. so what if he had national records with his 4th place finish.
i was in love. i loved heading to the trails at the lake and running through the "woods." i loved pushing up a (short) hill. i loved a light breeze in the air, feeling strong and sweaty, pearl jam in my ears. pure heaven. i signed up for a half marathon. i was ready. i could do this.

then it got king of chilly. or it rained. or i felt sick. or it was a tuesday. i kept going, but not like i had been. still loved it, but lacked the motivation i needed. i read articles from lifelong runners that said the first mile always sucked and they never felt like it, but were always happy once they got going. i understood, but couldn't get out there like i used to.

for my birthday, dad and i ran the 9 miles to my little hometown from an even smaller town down the highway. it wasn't the mileage that was so tough. it seemed like it was all a really slow hill. plus it was so straight, with farms on both sides, and the noise from the highway. there were just no distractions. we somehow survived it. the great news was that my birthday was awesome. first good one to my knowledge- not sick, not crying, not working a 14 hour day to get through the christmas rush. so that was awesome.

ended the year with a great long run. started the new year with another great run- 11 miles on the trails. alex even ran a few with me. it was great. this was going to be my year. i was motivated, i felt great. i had plans and i was going to accomplish them. then it was icy. then i got sick. then it kept snowing (since when is the wind chill in texas negative 9?!). plus fun people kept showing up that wanted to hang out and have dinner. so i had to eat an extra 5000 calories. and then something else came up, so i had to eat another 5000 calories. and not run. or get dressed on the snowdays.

so i finally got fed up. i was done with laziness. the weather was beautiful. i wanted to be healthier. it was time. so i got going again. i still couldn't quite get in my groove, but i was doing it, and that was what mattered. i had a half marathon coming up in a few weeks, so i had to kick it into gear and stop screwing around.

but then valentines came and alex made me that cake. it had sprinkles and a cinnamon swirl. it was so wonderful. and only 500 calories a slice. for real. i tried to resist. didn't happen. also ate some pesto. gained a pound. ran. more pesto. more cake. ran. another pound. no pesto. ran. lost a pound! no pesto. ran 5 miles. had sensible dinner. and cake. and then wound up at a mexican restaurant for 2nd dinner- not sensible and with chips and queso. gained 2 pounds. hit THE edge of healthy weight. i was .2 pounds away from overweight.

i freaked out. my breakfast fell off the english muffin, melting cheese on the toaster. i threw it in the trash after tearing it apart. i cried. i wallowed in self pity. i thought of everything i don't like about myself. i wanted nothing good to happen. i went to work.

i put on a brave face for everyone around me, trying to mask my hatred. then this lovely lovely girl stopped as she was leaving the building, turned around, and wished me a happy friday. isn't amazing how one sweet person can turn your day around with just a few syllables?
so i made a vow. for real this time. today i'm eating rice and beans for lunch. then i'm leaving work and i'm going for a run. i'm shooting for an hour. at least 5 miles. and then i'm eating something normal for dinner (baked potato with black beans and salsa and a salad? delicious). then tomorrow i'm getting up early to go to alex's great uncle's 80th birthday party. will there be something horrible but delicious there to eat? yes there will. but i will scan everything available and choose to fill my plate with something healthy and put a little tiny bit of the bad around it. and i will only eat one piece of cake. and i will walk their property if given the chance. and i will go for another run on sunday and love it.

it's the start for me. i will not let that extra .2 pounds enter my scale's history. i am on the edge and i am stepping back. i have no choice. i know what is right and i will be in control of actions. now it's time to get it together. starting now i'm going to attempt (that being the key word) to move past this. i am going to make a conscious decision to focus on what i can control, what i want, and how i will behave. i will take the time to breathe and recognize when i could be a little more understanding to someone when i'm in a bad mood because it's most likely not their fault. it's not a new day, but it is a new hour and it is my start. i may slip up, but i will not fail.

so i shall run. and cook well. and knit. maybe even sew. it has begun.